ashamed of my absence on my own site:(...bad very bad...

I just looked at the last entry...almost a year ago, shame, shame on me...what happened?
Relationships - is a simple and plain answer. When they are good, they take up all your time, when they are bad, they take up all your time as well...can we win?

so maybe I can try to be a bit better...and learn to devote a little time to myself from now one, no matter the relationship or no relationship...

for this short restarter post, I will leave a little bit of writting I've had as of last...
just this and that about thing that I happen to pick up on the cross-roads in my life!

"we shared a path to the coffee fountain,
while we exchanged the dreams of night passed
we talk of all things
meaningful or not
to make the experience last

you said 'i'm going to set the fire to your mother'
...the words were funny, but the idea not,
but all that matters it that we see
beauty in each other

thank you for being my friend and for your friendship, a precious gift
a place of refuge, of fun - a land of raw and precious possibilities
this friendship was, will be and is, is, is, is..."

I'll be back.

....walking my footsteps again....

...what about life....life goes on as it has always gone....
somedays I choose to wake up and wonder how incredibly rich and "potent" life is
all these emotions that it throws at us
without the regard if we're ready for them or not
without regard if we can tolerate the pressure
without the regard if we can handle the happiness
sometimes without the regard for anything at all
but then again life isn't a person
it doesn't have to have a regard for anything
life, time and universe are one and the same
and somewhere in the middle are little we
with an even more little me

i've had it so rich lately
so up and down lately
so thinking and trying to mend
so afraid to loose
so not ready to understand what i'm facing
so feeling at the same time that that is what i want
so not being able to understand what the other person is feeling like
so not being able to interpret what am i to do in a situation
so appreciative of the richness of emotions that the life is giving me
so not completely maybe being able to save what's saveable
so not understanding where i am going wrong
so not understanding what is wrong to begin with
listening to peoples advice
loosing myself in all their advice
trying to hear my own faint voice in the loud noises around me

but it is what it is
i don't really know what it is
but for now i feel i want to rest
i put all of myself out there
or maybe i didn't maybe i wasn't pushed to the limit
but i think i did the best
heart digging that i could find in myself
i came up with the answers
i voiced myself
i heard myself
i don't know if anyone else heard me
and now i want to dwell on it
let it sit
look at it
let it be forgotten for awhile
until i'm ready or willing to do anything about it
again!

here's a nice song that has an even more beautiful mellody
if you get a chance, listen to it, words are nice, but the music is even nicer:


By Foo Fighters

"On The Mend"

One more day that i've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We're teathered once again

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Close your eyes and stay a while
To take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile
Who's wandering back home

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go

[Thanks to gallenkamp@bytethinker.de for correcting these lyrics][ www.azlyrics.com ]

so it's been a long time!

It hasn't been quite a year, but it's been a long time. Lot's of things have happened and I went on vacation again. And I'm guilty of haven't posted any pictures here or on the Flickr, but I will slowly correct myself.
In short:
I'm in my third semester in School, Marymount University, to get my Master's of Interior Design Degree. I only have 1-1/2 years left...(he he a long and a short time),
I will have been at my present work for 2 years on October 3rd, it will have been the longest job I've held in any one place so far (tells you volumes of my work history:))
I've gotten Rosetta Stone to learn Italian and so far in 3 months I have successfully looked at Lesson #1:) it was amazing ha ha ha...I'm such a slacker.
I went on vacation with a very good friend of mine, to visit my mom in Latvia, visit friends in Norway, Oslo, visit friends in Prague and visit my dad and a great friend in Bulgaria. It was a great vacation. One I would take again without hesitation.
I have a friend (I think I can count him as a boyfriend now) since we kind of talked about it. But he's a very sweet guy, but we have a lot of things to learn about together. I like him A LOT.
What else:) I'm exploring new music venues. I have good people in my life who are willing to share their music with me and keep my musical life interesting.

Here are the words from the group I found yesterday and so far I like them a whole lot. I'm on my third round of listening to their CD this morning. This song felt expecially good to listen to, here are the words:

By Thirteen Senses

Call Someone-

Call someone
Tell them how you feel
Call someone and tell them what you think is wrong
Beat the ground
Show it how you feel
Show it all the ways that you've been taught to feel

And the bigger you are
The harder you fall
You just need to call and let someone know
And the faster you think
Is the time that you'll need just to say hello

Waste some time
Trying not to breath
Trying to be heard in all of everything
Change of hearts
Change it how you feel
Call someone and let them know how good you feel

And the bigger you are
The harder you fall
You just need to call and let someone know
And the faster you think
Is the time that you'll need just to say hello

And nothing ever happens
And nothing ever fits
But your keeping up with it
Gonna take one more connection
One that you fit and make use of it

And the bigger you are
The harder you fall
You just need to call and let someone know
And the faster you think
About doing it is the time that you'll need

things that can be "quite frustrating"

so diverging my attention from red lines for a minute or two i started wonder about things that can be frustrating...coincidentally i've exchanged a recent txt msg with a friend who also found similar things frustrating...and also brought on by a songs i'm listening ....

i haven't quite made the top 10 list of things that are frustrating, but i'd say judging by the time and hurt that each of us experiences here is the list topper:

1. being attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way about you
2. trying to communicate with that someone who doesn't share your feelings and not getting any response:)
3. to have email and phone only to be driven crazy by their silence...

ok other more everyday things that are quite frustrating:)

4. having a sore nose from bumping accidentally into a friend while dancing:)
5. having a sore body from dancing too vigorously on a friday nite:)
6. having too short of a weekend to recuperate from exhausted body syndrome
7. having to come to work over the weekend and not feeling like working
8. having the cold winter still linger around and not give spring a chance
9. not making enough effort to go and look at art when i've got so many museums around
10. being lazy and not having finished one book on the last month

things that are quite good:

life:)..disregard all the nuisance before:)...life is wonderful....I'm telling u...

5 chocolate candies later...

well here I am, i looked 11 days since last posting...throat feeling a little icky again...what is going on this winter season? seems after many years of fairly normal cold seasons, this has been the worst in terms of returning colds and symptoms. I am on my first antibiotic pack this winter season, yet seems like the cold never really went away, it always keeps the foot in the door upon departure to kick it wide open week and a half later....weird things and I'm drinking my vitamin C religiously so what the heck....

work was hectic today not in a sense of too many different errands more like one intense, which i finished by 6.00p.m...
tomorrow morning i have to attack another one which is due by wednesday 5.00p.m. cutting very close to my reunion with really "old" friends:) which will be at 6.00p.m .in Bethesda.
Sometimes it seems the age doesn't matter - friends are friends. My dear co-worker from 2 jobs ago returned for a visit from czech republic and I'm definitelly heading out to drink a toast to him and his czech experiance. There are people that are just plain fun to be around and Joe is one of such people, a tall 60 year old giant:) with huge wide smile....he could swing you over the tree top with his powerful golf stroke, yet he talks to you like your opinion matters:)..sometimes it is funny for me when I know I still have to learn and learn and learn...and I'm grateful to be allowed to participate in the "old/ wiseones" talk.

Oh I'm selling my golden bicycle. I've finally concluded that it is a bit too big for me...I never felt quite comfortable stopping on it, without having to jump off of it and that is no fun. So I hope I can find it a good new owner, plus I think I'll be doing more tennis and sun-tanning this coming summer then bicycling:)...since now I'm close to tennis courts and a pool...(imaginary plunge in the shallow end of the pool):):):) afraid of the deep dark waters:).....

Things that still hold true this winter season:):
1. no steady relationship:)...he he he...but going steady for divorce
2. still have a sweet tooth (broke down and had a whole bunch of Latvian chocolate candy....so much for south beach diet:)...puh
3. bills....still scary... but maybe being fiscally challenged is my nature?
4. still love music...someone please burn me a Jay-Z..."Kingdom Come"....pls....
5. semi addict to sudoku game....getting consistently better...
6. liking my teacher in school....Panama has pretty and smart women:)...
7. realizing that I'm blessed in so many ways....friends, health (besides little hick-ups like cold)...money, job, life in general...
8. still don't know how to handle sharp objects....which accounts for my new deep cut in my thumb...ouch:)
9. still a night owl....can't make it to bed before 1.00a.m. like never...
10. can't wait to have a good dance party:)....iiihaaa...

posting a thought for it not to get lost...

...affection is a two way street. one minute you might feel rejected or accepted, but you should realize that you have the power to accept or reject anyone you want as well. don't think all the power, decision making is in the hand of other people...

...to lower my standards

...and what are they anyways. (i guess i only right in this thing during the two weeks right after my period:) when the tectonic hormone shift is happening in my body and i get extra sensitive and sappy to the whole world for no reason. and then the 2 weeks before next period the hormones shift again and the whole world is the happiest place to be in again....so anyways)...

...talking about the compatibility and relationships with people...i mentioned a well know fact to couple co-workers that it seems that people you would never imagine to be attracted to are attracted to you and are insisting on your attention, yet the people you really want to be involved with pay no attention whatsoever...and i just realized that for unreachable people i'm probably in the same category as where i'm putting people that i don't want the attention from....

...my co-worker said "why don't you lower your standards"? what should my response be?:)
...if i lower my "standards" then that makes me unhappy!... but do i really have such high standards?...is it called a standard? ...i know i've been shaped by my culture and upbringing and influences in my life to be attracted to certain type of face, certain type of attitude, certain type of character and behavior....and for now i can't seem to break that...that's what i like and that's what i'm attracted to...
...is the opposite way - to meet a person and have a conversation and not like them and keep trying to like them? no right?...are all of us wishing for too much when we want to have an easy conversation and finishing each other's sentences and thinking alike? is that called having too high of a standard for the opposite sex?